The Door Is Open To My Children

 

 

 

    A first fan recently asked "how will your children know they can contact you?"

    A valid question. Estrained from me for years, they have been told information without opportunity for rebuttal, or correction. My hope is that they have better judgement than their mother.

    Before we were married thei rmother and I were walking on a beach and a couple passed us in the other direction. It was her Father whom she had not seen for years. After preliminary conversation She was compelled to find out more, to discover if the stories that She was told by her Mother were true. When She reached out to her Father, then validated the versions, it was apparent that Her Mother had lied to her about her Father, for Her entire life.

    Unable to live with the truth that She had been lied to all her life - by her Mother - she cut off all future contact with her Father.

    History is not here for us to like but exists to teach us. To not recognise or consider that there might have been an alternative explanation, is to doom yourself to replicate history.

    I should have recognized that moment.

    I did not.

    Today, I have no ide where my children are, who they are, or if they are alive.

    Should they find their way here, the answer is yes, your Father will have conversations with you if you reach out, for of the two of us, I am the only one who has left the door open for you to find me.

From the First Fan: Darkness, Signposts and an Eclipse

 

 

    In a recent conversation with a "first fan" (might even have been the first, first fan) they were talking about the darkness that has engulfed their life. Not the events, but the feeling that the events have left upon them.

    The same day, I received word from an "ally" who had received photographs of the children he has not seen in six years. The photographs were taken just prior to the last time that he saw his children, but not previously seen by him before. The were supplied by a "first fan" of his, an unknown person who had heard their story, and by chance, made an inquiry and found the photos. Found that which was not known to my "ally".

    With my "first fan" we were talking about darkness not being a degree of light, and they indicated that it was a feeling of insomnia and oppression. For me, it's a feeling of weight, a burden that is carried forward every single day.

    The first fan and I were talking and I began to think about signposts in my life, moments, where if I had gone one way instead of the other, I might now be where I am today. Signposts that you could backtrack to. I had originally thought there were but three (at most) of these moments in my life, and it turns out, that I was a moment for the first fan. That make the count four.

    The ally who received the photographs of this children, from an unknown ally, counts those photographs as signpost for him, he thinks about six or seven in total in his life.

    Seven moments spread over the course of 50 or more years that have led me to exactly where I am today. I could not have arrived here without all that alignment occurring at the exact moments that they did.

    In the United State today was a solar eclipse, an astronomical event that was calculated by the ancient Greeks thousands of years ago. Thousands of years of calculations down to a three minute event.

    A three minute event of darkness in the making...since the beginning of time.

    A signpost of darkness.

    Treat your signposts with respect. I have not.  

News News News News

 New. News. News. News.

But I can't tell you.

Not till November 1.

Then, I can tell you the news.

But you will be second to know.

Happy Birthday Ming

 

Happy birthday Ming.

It's a been a long time since we last spoke. I can't recall how long it is. I recall what was said, and how I was away.

In the last sixty days I've lost the man who taught me to parent, a parent I cared for and a co-parent. I kept to myself since I got here because of the damage that was done before I left.

How's your Goddaughter? You might know more than I, but the loss of the girls broke me. 

I went back to work on my book last week. In particular, I changed the part where I mentioned you and your wife. I had not used your names through the first few drafts - not because I didn't want to, but because I felt that you and D didn't need the "publicity" that might come when the book came out. I prefer to think of the two of you as the couple who could point to the book and go "he's talking about us there." There is a section where your words read "If he comes here, it's because no one else believe in him."

I have change it, to include your name, not because the words have changed, the relationship has changed. You were #thefirstfan and people should know, even if it's not the case now.

Happy birthday Anthony, from your fan. Your friend. 

One Submission Is Better Than None

  On the last day of the first month, I made this years first submission to a publishing house.

  Not a great track record for a writer, but one submission is better than none.

  As the "First Fans" are aware, the care of a parent is draining my time away. Being accountable for a toddler in an adult frame is a time consuming job, You can't just instruct on what it is and what it should be, - because they are elderly.  Instead, grace is needed.

  After spending two days and a night back and forth to the emergency room of a local hospital, it was late yesterday when I realized the deadline was approaching. Unsatisfied with the third, or fourth version, I submitted the version that I thought better -but not award winning.

  One submission is better than none.

Thank You, First Fans

  First Fans will be aware that the month of January has not been...favorable. Aside from the surgery, sleep has been hard to come by with the discomfort. When conjoined with Dad's health, it has not been a glamour start to the year.

  February does not appear to hold much in the way of glamour either, as the follow ups to the vision and surgery proceed.

  Here's hoping that these visionary issues can be resolved in a timely manner so I can get back to the writing and publication.

  For the First Fans, thank you. 

Damaged Goods

  The First Fans are aware that, the past Christmas and New Year I was...damaged goods. A lack of sight following surgery inhibited my reading, and my writing. The damage caused by a childhood is now starting to catch up with the adult me.

  Rest assure, that as of today, with the partial return of sight, the road to recovery is improving.

  Still damaged goods, with a slight repair.

  Welcome to XXMVIII.

Not Being Stephen King

  I was recently approached by a fan - a First Fan - with a request to supply a book for one of their friends. The Other Person is a fan of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series in which I have made a number of published contributions

  I agreed to supply the book.

  Whilst searching through the Contributor's Copies of a number of books in which I have appeared, I began to think about what should I write to the Other Person as an Author Dedication. The First Fan has asked me for a copy to introduce my writing to one of their friends - should I include the First Fan by name in the dedication? Perhaps it would be better only to dedicate it the Other Person? Maybe I should include my business card to legitimize the dedication?

  Did Stephen King have these dilemmas early in his career, and how did he handle them? I sincerely doubt that King has these quandary's now - he has a staff to help and guide. For me, it's a one person show.

  Perhaps that's the benefit of not being Stephen King. I don't have to sign thousands of books at mass events where people line up for hours. I don't have a room full of books that will need generic signatures before being shipped out. I still have that intimate fan base, where all (most of) my Fans are known to me personally.

  Not being Stephen King may have an advantage.

  I wonder if King ever sits around at book signings and asks himself "when is the next person that I know by name, going to show up."

  I would suggest that those people that King knows by name, are his First Fans that he took care of in the early years, and still takes care of now. They don't have to show up at book signings - he sends them First Copies.

  I'll write the First Fan into the dedication.

  Maybe one day King will ask me to write a dedication for him.