I Thought Of You Last Night

 

  I thought of you last night.

  Actually, I think of you every night. Sometime I think of you first thing in the morning

  Most times I think of you after starting my day and wonder what you are doing.

  I always think of you in the evening. 

   But last night it was different, you arrived in my dreams - like you have many times before.

  I know the exact date the last time we spoke, the last date I saw you. Time, has not been favorable.

  Wherever you are, what ever you are doing, I think of you constantly.

  You are missed.

  Every time I think of you, with every word I write. 

  

Windows Vista Outlasts Them All

  Last week, the offices of grantmadden.com did an upgrade of the laptops. One of the newest arrivals is a Dell Insperion.  IT will be replacing an aging Windows Vista laptop. The laptop has been in service for almost 14 years.

  While doing the "swap out" I was surprised to discover some items on the old laptop, items of great sentiment.

 - the last photograph of my eldest daughter.
 - the account of an ancestry hunt that I accompanied my Father on, in the the streets of Brooklyn, New York.
 - copies of a radio broadcast I appeared on speaking about "Fathering After Divorce".

  Writing about the upgrade was easy - writing about the memories contained on the hard drive was gut wrenching and generated some tears.

  Rather than dispose of the, now defunct, Vista laptop, it has been retired within my office where it will forever hold those memories.

  The girls have gone. Dad is no longer able to travel. The radio show has ended.

  The Windows Vista laptop outlasted them all.

Happy Birthday Chickybabe

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  Happy Birthday Chickybabe

  Today, my eldest daughter turns 31.

  When I was 31 her mother and I had separated, and I went on to my best "role" as the divorced father of two daughters.

  Now, I'm just the alienated father of the same two daughters that I haven't seen in years.

  Perhaps when they read the Book, they will realize that their Dad never left them. 

Today Is The Day

  Today's the day.

  Today is the day that I have now not seen my daughter Sarah, for more than half of her life.

  I was asked today to put aside all the grief earned in the year, ready to launch into 2020.

  I said I was going to more time.

Happy Birthday Chickybabe

  Happy birthday Chickybabe.

  Today, my youngest Daughter turns 24. The last time I saw her was almost 12 years ago. Doing the math, I have been out of my Daughters life longer than I was in it.

  I never left my Daughter, this child was an abduction - but the courts will only see it as Parental Alienation.

  Restitution will never be made. Only grief and absence remain tradeable. 

The Path to Citizenship

  Not going to be a happy end of year.

  The Path to Citizenship started today with the submission of an application and the payment of fees.

  With the Daughters gone, there is no longer a reason to not obtain the permanency of my adopted country.

  As a Dear Old Friend continues to remind me, "this is now my home."

  They are not yet convinced. nor am I.

Happy Birthday Chickybabe

  Happy birthday Chickybabe.

  Today, my eldest daughter, turns 30.

  When I was 30, I was already separated, on the cusp of divorce, with two daughters I cared for more than...well, more than my own relationships and career. I had already won two sailing titles and the third would come the following year, but it was the girls that were my greatest achievement.

  I had also isolated one of my parents from my daughters when they were unable to follow through on the manner in which their mother and I had wanted the girls to be brought up. I would later isolate the other parent, my Father, however, he would see the error of his ways and that would be repaired.

  As expected, my Father was a better man than me. I have been isolated from the girls and it has not been repaired.

  I taught my daughters not to allow evil in to their lives, and to keep it at bay. I never envisaged that I would be the evil they keep at bay. But, unlike where I made my own choice, their choice has been influenced by their mother, and their grandmother.  Two people whom were unable to follow through in the manner in which their mother and I wanted the girls to be brought up. Being a little over 7000 miles away and unable to counter any, and all, evils by these people, I was always playing from behind.

  With no voice to counter them, the girls unknowingly succumbed to their evil.

  It is too late for my girls.

  The days are long and the years go by fast.

  My eldest is 30 today. I have been out of her life more than I have been in it.

  Happy birthday Chickybabe. I never left you.

Easter Sunday Parental Alienation

  It is the early hours of Easter Sunday morning. The sun has just risen, the light is still soft across the county, and I am working on a feature article dealing with Parental Alienation.

  While not a "holiday" in the United States, Easter is till celebrated as a time of families coming together. Some Fathers will not see their children, not through choice, but through the circumstances dictated to them by others - mostly the narcissist mother.

  The irony of Parental Alienation is that the Father was good enough to be there, through the birth, through the years, and it is only because of the divorce or separation that they "suddenly" become unfit, subject to courts and ridicule. Most will assume Father roles in other families where there is no issue - there only ever seems to be an issue perpetrated by the mother of his children.

  Much like I did with my own parents marriage, eventually, the child will discover that not all events as told by their alienating parent are true, complete, or concise.

  By which time, both the child and the alienated parent have already lost.

 

Holiday Seasons

  Halloween is over. There is even a house a couple of streets away from me that has their Christmas lights up.

  I neither decorated for Halloween, nor handed out any candy. The house was dark and I didn't participate.

  I may not participate either in Thanksgiving or in Christmas this year.

  Thanksgiving is a time of family coming together. Christmas is a time of good will to all. In a moment of enlightenment, this will be the first holiday season that I will not know where my children are.

  My traditional holiday destination of Chesterfield Inlet is looking colder, this year. 

...so I contintinue to write.

  Google Plus is gone. Another batch of writings lost to technology..

  I write on paper - with a pencil. It's more enduring that a pen. It's more comforting that dipping into an ink well.

  Over the years I have owned numerous writing implements - all have been damaged long after the gift giver has left me. So I continue to use pencil and paper. The log books from the years are numerous.

  The diary to my eldest daughter is the only one which has ceased.

  In another part of my personal life, I am caring for a another, approaching end of life. It is, tiring.

  So I continue to write.

I Always Knew It Was Coming

  There are moments in time, where everything changes. When you know that nothing will ever be the same again. Sometimes, you get real quiet, as it was an unexpected event.

  Sometimes you get real quiet, because you always knew it was coming - and then once it arrives, you immediately recognize it for what it was.

  Several weeks ago, my father reached out to the mother of my children, attempting to get in contact with my daughters. The mother of my daughters said she would pass the message on.

  My father never heard from my daughters. He, too, has become the grandparent affected by parental alienation.

  Yesterday, the mailman arrived and made rounds. In the mail for me, was the birthday card I had sent my eldest daughter, in May of this year. It was marked "no longer at this address".

  The last point of contact for my children has now gone.

  Everything changes now. Nothing will ever be the same again. I got real quiet. I always knew it was coming.

I Went To Denny's - Thank You United 93.

I went to a Denny's today. Ordered an All American Grand Slam and a coke. Thumbing through the Twitter feed I saw that the President was visiting Shanksville,  Pennsylvania.

The final resting place of 40 heroes on board United Flight #93.

 I imagine that seventeen years ago, someone sat in a Denny's before starting their day, either to cross the country on one of the ill fated flights, or before attending the World Trade Center complex. They could have ordered the same meal as me, not knowing what their day may bring.

For the passengers of United 93, their voices continue to be heard through the wind chimes of the memorial tower.

Their loved ones have a place to go to grieve, to remember and to thank. Their children can thumb through the history books and learn what their father, mother, did. To save us all.

I went to Denny's today not knowing where my children are. They will be no monument, no location that they will go to when I have passed. They will not know until long after I am gone.

And nor will I should they precede me.

Thank You United 93 - for saving our children.

Counting On A Miracle

  Earlier this week I received a private message from a person whom knows, how shall I say, my history. They provided me with some information about my eldest daughter. When I went to verify the information, their report was confirmed and the last known connection that I had to my children, was now gone.

  So, once again, in the words of Bruce Springsteen, "I'm counting on a miracle, to come through."

Science Fiction, Memoirs and Relationships

Three weeks into the new year and what have I learned form the Writers Lament?

I've learned that I have not protected my writing time enough.

Until such time that i can rest on my laurels (and royalties) I have to continue to write.  Sometimes it's not for the money, today is was for the message for my children.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

I was a father to two.

I still am, but my daughters don't know it. I continue to write about what has gone on, and what their father has lived through in their absence.  One day, when I am gone, they will read about really happened.

Until then I continue to write.

Science fiction. Memories. Relationships.

Three subjects I am apparently, not very good at.

Recalling The Soundtrack To My Teens

Three years gone, the soundtrack to my teenage years still resonates.

Vale "Doc" Neeson.

#whitescarves.